Portland, Oregon, banned the sale and installation of smart toilets citywide last Tuesday after a massive data breach exposed residents’ intimate bathroom habits to targeted advertisers. The scandal erupted when the popular “ThroneTech” model, marketed as a health-monitoring marvel, leaked analytics including bowel movement frequency, dietary inferences, and even estimated stress levels derived from flush patterns. City officials acted swiftly following complaints from over 5,000 households, citing violations of privacy laws in what they called “the ultimate dump on personal data.”
Mayor Elena Vargas, 52, a former tech consultant turned privacy advocate, announced the ban at a press conference outside city hall. “We’re talking about analytics that knew I was stressed before I even wiped—ads for antacids showed up in my feed right after taco night,” Vargas quipped, drawing laughs from reporters. Local plumber Hank Reilly, 42, who installed hundreds of the devices, added, “These toilets were smarter than my ex-wife; they analyzed everything from fiber intake to whether you’re a sitter or a hoverer. Now I’ve got a garage full of them, and I’m flushing my resume down the drain trying to find work on dumb porcelain.”
The leak, traced to a third-party server in Silicon Valley, prompted lawsuits from affected residents and a federal investigation into ThroneTech’s practices. Advertisers had used the data to push products like probiotic yogurts to those flagged as “irregular” or luxury bidets to “precision poopers.” As Portland pivots back to basic fixtures, city council plans to subsidize retrofits, ensuring that in the future, what happens in the bathroom stays in the bathroom—unless you tell your therapist.