**Portland, Oregon** – A popular vegan restaurant is facing serious allegations after a longtime customer became suspicious that their cashew-based mac and cheese actually tasted enjoyable. Green Goddess Café, which has proudly served “compassionate cuisine” since 2019, now finds itself under investigation by both health inspectors and the local vegan community following last Tuesday’s incident.
Sarah Chen, a 28-year-old environmental lawyer and five-year vegan, raised the alarm after ordering her usual Tuesday lunch special. “I took one bite and immediately knew something was wrong,” Chen explained. “It had this rich, creamy texture that didn’t leave a chalky aftertaste in my mouth. I’ve been eating vegan cheese for years – I know what disappointment tastes like, and this wasn’t it.” Chen became further suspicious when she found herself actually looking forward to the next bite instead of choking it down while thinking about animal welfare.
Restaurant owner Marcus Fieldstone, 45, vehemently denies the accusations, though his defense has only raised more eyebrows. “Look, we use only the finest nutritional yeast and cashew cream,” Fieldstone insisted while nervously adjusting his hemp fiber apron. “Just because our customers don’t need to suppress their gag reflex doesn’t mean we’re using real dairy. Maybe Sarah’s taste buds are just broken.” When pressed about the unusual satisfaction levels reported by recent customers, Fieldstone added, “We’ve simply perfected the art of making plants taste like they came from actual animals, okay? Is that a crime?”
The Oregon Department of Agriculture has launched a full investigation and plans to conduct surprise inspections of the restaurant’s supply deliveries. Meanwhile, Chen has organized a boycott with other local vegans, stating they’ll only return once the restaurant can guarantee their food will taste appropriately disappointing again.