Vatican City, Italy – The Vatican issued an urgent warning yesterday after a confessional booth in a Rome basilica began flashing targeted advertisements mid-penitence, prompting concerns over privacy in sacred spaces. The incident, which unfolded last week during evening mass, involved a 52-year-old digital-savvy priest, Father Marco Rossi, who had recently upgraded the booth’s outdated audio system with a smart speaker for better acoustics. Instead of absolution, parishioners reported seeing pop-up ads tailored to their sins, turning moments of remorse into impromptu shopping sprees.
Father Rossi, a former IT consultant turned cleric, confessed to tinkering with the device but insisted it was meant for “enhancing the spiritual experience.” “I thought integrating Alexa would help with hymn suggestions,” he said, chuckling nervously. “Who knew confessing to envy would trigger an ad for that neighbor’s exact lawnmower model? It’s like the devil’s algorithm knows you better than God does.” One parishioner, 68-year-old retiree Maria Lombardi, emerged from the booth fuming after her admission of sloth led to a barrage of fitness tracker promotions. “I was seeking forgiveness for skipping rosary, not a deal on a Peloton—now I feel guilty about ignoring my Fitbit too!”
The Vatican’s doctrinal office quickly labeled the glitch a “technological temptation,” urging churches worldwide to audit their confessionals for hidden data trackers. Cardinals are now debating whether to excommunicate smart devices from holy sites altogether. In the coming weeks, expect a papal bull on “digital indulgences,” potentially requiring all future upgrades to come with a blessing—and a firewall against capitalist confessions.