Tallahassee, Florida — Yesterday morning, Florida State University’s College of Communication unfurled a 40-foot banner above its bell tower announcing the nation’s first B.A. in Professional Online Arguing, a 120-credit pathway to “certified mastery in the art of never backing down.”
Program director Dr. Lila Gertz, 38, a former Reddit moderator with a Ph.D. in Meme Semiotics, outlined the core curriculum during a livestream that quickly devolved into a shouting match in the chat. “Students will dissect classic Twitter pile-ons, practice moving goalposts in real time, and earn badges in advanced what-about-ism,” she explained, ducking a flying virtual tomato emoji. Freshman applicants must submit a 200-word rant about pineapple on pizza; the admissions rubric awards extra points for ALL-CAPS and creative spelling. “We’re not here to teach you to win,” Gertz clarified, “we’re here to teach you to keep typing until the other guy goes to bed.”
University president Dr. Marvin “Marv” Holloway, 61, insists the major will pay for itself through sponsored discourse. “We’ve already inked a deal with three energy-drink brands that want graduates to feud about which flavor ‘slaps hardest’ in every comment section from YouTube to LinkedIn,” he said, sipping a neon beverage labeled “FlameWar Lite.” Career Services expects starting salaries to rival those of baristas, but with unlimited exposure. Next semester the department will beta-test a graduate track in Doom-Scrolling Resilience, and, if enrollment holds, plans to launch the nation’s first endowed chair in Gaslighting Ethics by 2026.