New York, NY – Last Tuesday, SafeLife Insurance unveiled a groundbreaking premium discount program that requires policyholders to solemnly vow that no misfortunes will befall them during the policy term. The initiative, dubbed the “Fate-Free Guarantee,” promises up to 20% off annual rates for anyone willing to sign an affidavit declaring they won’t experience accidents, illnesses, or even minor inconveniences like spilled coffee. Company executives claim it’s a bold step toward reducing claims by leveraging the power of positive thinking.
The program quickly drew a crowd at SafeLife’s Manhattan headquarters, where 45-year-old accountant Harold Jenkins became the first enrollee after inking his promise in triplicate. “I figured, why pay full price when I can just swear off stubbed toes and rogue pigeons?” Jenkins quipped, adjusting his tie as he pocketed his discount certificate. SafeLife CEO Miranda Voss, a 52-year-old former actuary with a penchant for motivational seminars, defended the policy during a press conference: “We’ve crunched the numbers—promises like this have a 100% success rate in our simulations, as long as clients avoid reality.”
Critics, including consumer advocates, called the offer a “legal fiction wrapped in fine print,” but enrollments surged overnight, with over 500 New Yorkers signing up by Friday. One early adopter, 38-year-old barista Lena Torres, joked, “I promised no bad hair days too—now my insurance covers existential dread but not if I jinx it by sneezing.” SafeLife plans to expand the program nationwide next month, pending approval from state regulators who are reportedly still chuckling over the paperwork.