BERKELEY, CA – In a groundbreaking study that has the scientific community buzzing with anticipation, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley have discovered that procrastination may actually lead to better decision-making. The irony of the situation was not lost on lead researcher Dr. Emma Delayworth, who announced that the team would publish their results “eventually, probably.”
The study, which began in 2015 and was originally scheduled to conclude in 2018, involved over 1,000 participants who were tasked with making various decisions while under different levels of time pressure. “We found that those who put off making decisions until the last possible moment consistently made choices that were 37% more optimal than those who decided quickly,” Dr. Delayworth explained, while idly scrolling through her phone. “It’s really quite fascinating, and we’ll definitely share more details… you know, when we get around to it.”
Critics have pointed out that the study’s methodology seems questionable, given that the research team appears to have missed multiple deadlines and grant application opportunities. However, assistant researcher Jake Procrastinate defended their approach, stating, “Hey, we’re just practicing what we preach. Besides, why rush to publish when we can perfect our findings by letting them marinate for a few more years?” When asked about the potential impact of their discovery on productivity in various industries, Dr. Delayworth shrugged and replied, “That sounds like a problem for future us to worry about. Right now, I think we all deserve a nice, long coffee break.”