Chicago, Illinois – Yesterday, St. Mary’s General Hospital unveiled an express lane dedicated to patients who arrive convinced they’ve self-diagnosed terminal illnesses via WebMD, aiming to streamline the influx of worried well individuals clogging emergency rooms.
Hospital administrator Dr. Elena Vasquez, a 52-year-old veteran of over two decades in healthcare management, explained the initiative during a press conference. “We’ve had folks showing up at 3 a.m. declaring they’re riddled with flesh-eating bacteria from a single Google search—it’s chaos,” Vasquez said with a wry smile. “This lane lets them bypass the real emergencies, get a quick reality check, and maybe even a lollipop on the way out.” The setup features a dedicated triage nurse armed with iPads loaded with debunking articles, promising wait times under 15 minutes for those armed with printouts of their “symptoms.”
One early user, 34-year-old software engineer Tim Hargrove, breezed through the lane after diagnosing himself with a rare pancreatic disorder from itchy elbows. “I was one symptom away from planning my funeral playlist when the nurse just laughed and said, ‘Sir, that’s probably just dry skin—try lotion,'” Hargrove recounted, still clutching his WebMD printout. “It’s genius; now I can get back to coding before my code turns into codeine withdrawal.” Meanwhile, ER physician Dr. Raj Patel, 41, noted a silver lining: “Frees us up for actual heart attacks, not the ones caused by late-night scrolling.”
Looking ahead, hospital officials plan to expand the express lane with partnerships from tech companies, potentially integrating AI chatbots to pre-screen WebMD warriors before they even leave home. Vasquez hinted at a loyalty program for repeat visitors, joking, “Buy five false alarms, get the sixth diagnosis free.” If successful, similar lanes could roll out nationwide, turning hypochondria into a more efficient epidemic.