Boulder, Colorado – Following a landmark five-year study, a team of geologists from the North American Topographical Survey (NATS) announced yesterday that they have conclusively proven that Mount Evans did not exist in its current location before the geological processes that formed it.
The $14 million project, titled the “Pre-Positional Existence of Orogenic Masses Initiative,” utilized advanced seismic imaging, deep-core rock sampling, and temporal-regression analysis to arrive at its stunning conclusion. Dr. Alistair Finch, the 52-year-old lead researcher, presented the findings at a press conference held at the base of the very mountain in question. “Our data is unequivocal,” Dr. Finch stated, pointing towards the peak with a laser pointer. “We can now say with 99.7% certainty that during the Paleozoic Era, this exact spot was, scientifically speaking, ‘not a mountain.’ It was flatter, and significantly less pointy.”
The announcement has been met with a range of reactions from the local community. Jebediah Croft, an 81-year-old retired farmer who has lived in the area his entire life, seemed nonplussed by the news. “Well, sure. That’s how making things works,” Croft said while whittling a piece of wood on his porch. “My barn wasn’t in my yard before I built it, either. You don’t see me getting a government grant to prove it was just a patch of grass beforehand. Seems to me they could’ve just asked.”
Despite such sentiments, NATS is hailing the study as a resounding success and a crucial step forward for “foundational geology.” A spokesperson for the institute defended the project’s cost and duration. “How can we ever hope to understand why things are where they are, if we don’t first rigorously establish that they weren’t there before they were?” she argued. “This is about eliminating possibilities. We have now officially eliminated the possibility that the mountain was just waiting here, fully formed, for the rest of the planet to be built around it.”
Looking ahead, Dr. Finch announced that the team has already secured funding for its next project: a seven-year investigation to determine if the Grand Canyon was, in fact, a hole in the ground before the Colorado River carved it.