WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Pentagon held a hastily arranged press conference this morning to provide an update on its next-generation B-21 Raider stealth bomber, announcing the program has achieved a technological milestone far beyond their most optimistic projections. The new aircraft is so effective, officials confirmed, that they no longer know where it is.
General Mark “Maverick” Milligan, head of Air Combat Command, stood proudly before a screen displaying a “FILE NOT FOUND” error where a graphic of the bomber should have been. “The B-21’s stealth capabilities have exceeded all design parameters,” Milligan stated, tapping the blank screen. “It has successfully evaded radar, thermal imaging, and, most impressively, the guy we paid to park it in the hangar last night. This isn’t a setback; it’s an unprecedented operational success. Our adversaries can’t find it, and right now, neither can we. That’s what I call a strategic advantage.”
The multi-billion dollar aircraft, which reportedly vanished from its high-security hangar at Edwards Air Force Base sometime yesterday, was last seen by Airman First Class Kevin Schmidt, 21. “They told me to keep an eye on it. I blinked. My bad,” Schmidt told reporters via a staticky video link. Lead project engineer Dr. Evelyn Reed of Northrop Grumman attempted to clarify the situation from a technical standpoint. “The quantum-cloaking matrix is performing… robustly. Theoretically, the bomber is still occupying a physical space within our dimension. We’ve just asked all personnel to walk with their hands out in front of them until further notice.”
In response to the “successful deployment,” General Milligan announced that the Air Force is immediately fast-tracking a new program to develop a “Stealth Bomber Retrieval System,” a series of long poles and a very large net. In the meantime, search efforts will be conducted using civilian bird-watching groups and by re-commissioning several WWI-era biplanes, as their pilots rely on “the Mark I eyeball, a sensor suite the B-21 was apparently not designed to counter.”