In a stunning turn of events that has left the competitive hide-and-seek community in awe, local man Gerald Fitzgerald of Poughkeepsie, New York, has been declared the winner of the World Hide and Seek Championship after successfully evading detection for an astonishing 10 years. The 43-year-old father of three emerged from his hiding spot in the attic of his childhood home on Tuesday, much to the surprise of his family, neighbors, and the global hide-and-seek community.
“I always told my kids I was the hide-and-seek champion,” Fitzgerald said, brushing cobwebs from his now graying hair. “I guess I finally proved it.” His wife, Sarah Fitzgerald, who had long since given up hope of finding her husband, expressed mixed emotions about his triumphant return. “On one hand, I’m thrilled he’s alive. On the other hand, he missed a decade of birthdays, anniversaries, and mortgage payments. He better have a really good excuse,” she quipped.
The International Hide and Seek Federation (IHSF) has officially recognized Fitzgerald’s achievement, though some controversy surrounds the win. IHSF spokesperson Hilda Sneaksby stated, “While Mr. Fitzgerald’s dedication to the sport is commendable, we typically prefer our championships to conclude within a more reasonable timeframe, say, a long weekend.” Local authorities have also raised concerns about the legality of Fitzgerald’s extended disappearance, with Police Chief Bob Finderman commenting, “We’re not sure if this counts as a win or a really elaborate way to avoid doing the dishes for a decade.”
As news of Fitzgerald’s victory spreads, hide-and-seek enthusiasts worldwide are reconsidering their strategies. “I thought hiding in the closet for an hour was impressive,” said 8-year-old Tommy Johnson, a rising star in the junior league. “But now I’m thinking I might need to step up my game and hide until I’m old enough to drive.” Meanwhile, Fitzgerald’s children are reportedly less than thrilled about their father’s newfound fame, with his eldest daughter remarking, “Great. Now he’s going to be insufferable at family game night.”