Washington, D.C. – A 22-year-old Department of Justice intern accidentally released 47 pages of Albert Einstein’s Princeton University calculus homework yesterday instead of the highly anticipated Jeffrey Epstein documents that House Oversight Committee members had been demanding for months. The mix-up occurred when intern Bradley Hutchinson grabbed the wrong manila folder from a filing cabinet while rushing to meet the committee’s 5 PM deadline.
“I was looking for the folder marked ‘E-Files’ and I guess I grabbed the one that said ‘Einstein Files’ instead,” explained Hutchinson, a Georgetown law student who has been working in the DOJ’s document review department since January. “In my defense, both folders were beige and Einstein’s handwriting is surprisingly similar to what I imagined a billionaire’s client list would look like – lots of incomprehensible symbols and numbers.” Committee Chair James Comer reportedly spent three hours trying to decode what he believed were “sophisticated financial transactions” before realizing the documents contained equations for velocity and acceleration rather than flight logs to private islands.
The blunder has left both Republicans and Democrats frustrated, with House Speaker Mike Johnson calling it “the most embarrassing administrative error since someone accidentally faxed the Pentagon’s lunch menu to the Kremlin.” DOJ spokesperson Miranda Chen attempted damage control, stating, “While we regret the confusion, we’re pleased to report that Professor Einstein’s 1934 problem sets show he maintained a solid B+ average in advanced mathematics.” The real Epstein documents remain locked in a different filing cabinet, which Hutchinson admitted he “didn’t even know existed until this morning.”
The DOJ has promised to deliver the correct documents by Friday, though sources suggest they’re now considering color-coding their filing system to prevent future mix-ups between deceased physicists and deceased financiers.