Charlotte, North Carolina, last Tuesday, Bank of America announced a groundbreaking new initiative: the “Anxiety Fee,” specifically targeting customers who check their account balances too frequently. This innovative charge, set to roll out next month, aims to combat what the bank describes as “digital financial over-engagement” and encourage a more “mindful approach to personal economics.”
“We’ve noticed a significant uptick in what we term ‘balance-peeping’ – customers refreshing their app every five minutes, often just to see the same number,” explained Brenda ‘The Balancer’ Balancer-ington, 52, Head of Customer Well-being and Profit Optimization at Bank of America. “This isn’t healthy. It breeds unnecessary stress, and frankly, it clogs up our servers. Our new Anxiety Fee, a mere $2.50 per check after the first ten daily, is designed to be a gentle nudge towards financial tranquility. Think of it as a premium for peace of mind, or perhaps just a very expensive ‘Are we there yet?’ moment for your money.” One concerned customer, Gary ‘The Gazer’ Gazeley, a 34-year-old freelance artisan who constantly monitors his dwindling funds, lamented, “But how else am I supposed to know if I can afford that extra packet of instant ramen? This isn’t just checking; it’s a vital, minute-by-minute existential audit!”
The bank insists this isn’t a revenue-generating scheme, but rather a philanthropic endeavor to reduce national anxiety levels, one bank statement at a time. “We’re not trying to be punitive,” clarified Chip ‘The Charge’ Charger, 48, Chief Philanthropic Revenue Officer. “We’re simply encouraging customers to trust us, to trust the financial system, and perhaps, to trust that their money hasn’t spontaneously combusted since they last looked. It’s about empowering them to live fuller lives, unburdened by the tyranny of the constantly refreshing balance screen.” Industry analysts predict other major financial institutions are closely monitoring the success of the Anxiety Fee, potentially paving the way for further “wellness-based” charges, such as a “Financial FOMO Fee” for not investing enough, or a “Savings Shame Surcharge” for having too little.