In a shocking turn of events that has rocked the quiet suburb of Brewster Falls, local man Derek Jitters has filed for divorce from his wife of 15 years, citing “caffeinated deception” as the primary reason. The 42-year-old insurance adjuster claims he uncovered a years-long conspiracy in which his soon-to-be ex-wife, Linda, had been secretly replacing his beloved dark roast coffee with decaf.
“I always wondered why I felt so sluggish and irritable,” Jitters told reporters, his eye twitching noticeably. “Turns out, I’ve been living a lie. A decaffeinated lie.” The revelation came to light when Derek caught Linda in the act of swapping his coffee beans during a late-night kitchen raid. “I thought she was having an affair with the barista down the street,” he admitted. “This is so much worse.”
Linda Jitters, 39, defended her actions, stating, “Have you seen Derek on caffeine? He’s like a squirrel on methamphetamines.” She went on to explain that the switch was initially made for health reasons, but she continued the ruse after noticing improvements in their relationship. “He actually listened to me for once,” she said with a shrug. “Plus, he stopped vibrating through walls.” As news of the divorce spreads, local coffee shops have reported a surge in sales, with one owner commenting, “We’re calling it the Great Brewster Falls Re-Caffeination of 2023. It’s like Y2K, but with more espresso.”