In a groundbreaking study conducted by the University of Nonsense in Absurdville, researchers have discovered a shocking truth: every single person who engages in the act of breathing will eventually face their demise. The findings have sent shockwaves through the scientific community and have left the general public gasping for air.
Dr. Ima Joker, the lead researcher of the study, stated, “We have conclusive evidence that the very act of inhaling and exhaling, which we all take for granted, is ultimately a death sentence. Our data shows that 100% of people who breathe, whether it’s for a short time or a long time, will inevitably kick the bucket. It’s a harsh reality, but one that we must face head-on.”
The study, which involved a sample size of over 10,000 individuals from various age groups and backgrounds, tracked their breathing habits and lifespan over several decades. The results were astounding, with not a single participant managing to escape the clutches of mortality. “I always knew there was something fishy about breathing,” exclaimed one participant, 102-year-old Gerry Atric. “I’ve been doing it my whole life, and look where it’s gotten me – on the brink of death’s door!”
The findings have prompted calls for immediate action from public health officials. Some have suggested the development of “anti-breathing” devices, while others advocate for a complete ban on the practice altogether. However, critics argue that such measures are impractical and would lead to the complete collapse of society. As one skeptic, Dr. Bea Reasonable, put it, “While the study’s results are intriguing, we must remember that breathing is essential for life. Suggesting that we stop breathing altogether is like asking people to stop eating because it eventually leads to weight gain. It’s absurd!”
Despite the controversy, the study’s authors remain steadfast in their conclusions. They hope that their findings will encourage people to cherish every breath they take and live life to the fullest, knowing that each inhalation brings them one step closer to their inevitable demise. As Dr. Joker morbidly quipped, “Breathe while you can, folks, because one day, you’ll be taking your last gasp!”