University Offers New Major in “Professional Online Arguing”

University Offers New Major in “Professional Online Arguing”

Tallahassee, Florida — Yesterday morning, Florida State University’s College of Communication unfurled a 40-foot banner above its bell tower announcing…
Uber Driver Receives Five-Star Review After Successfully Not Talking During Entire Ride

Uber Driver Receives Five-Star Review After Successfully Not Talking During Entire Ride

Austin, Texas – Last Tuesday, 29-year-old part-time EDM producer and full-time Uber driver Marcus “DJ MuteMode” Alvarez pulled up to…
Insurance Company Denies Man’s Claim After Discovering He Smiled in Hospital Admission Photo

Insurance Company Denies Man’s Claim After Discovering He Smiled in Hospital Admission Photo

Chicago, Illinois – Last week, 45-year-old accountant Bob Thompson was stunned when SecureLife Insurance rejected his $12,000 hospital claim, citing…
Grocery Store Launches Membership Tier That Lets You Skip Self-Checkout and Talk to a Human

Grocery Store Launches Membership Tier That Lets You Skip Self-Checkout and Talk to a Human

Seattle, Washington – Last week, local grocery chain Pacific Fresh Markets unveiled a new premium membership tier called “Human Touch…
Credit Card Company Introduces Shame Score Based on Embarrassing Purchase History

Credit Card Company Introduces Shame Score Based on Embarrassing Purchase History

San Francisco, California – Last week, VisaFi, a leading credit card issuer, rolled out its controversial “Shame Score” system, which…
‘Call of Duty’ Player Reported for Using Kind and Encouraging Language in Game Chat

‘Call of Duty’ Player Reported for Using Kind and Encouraging Language in Game Chat

Seattle, Washington – Last week, a 28-year-old software engineer named Jordan Hale was banned from ‘Call of Duty: Modern Warfare’…
Umpire Ejects Himself After Realizing He Missed Entire Inning

Umpire Ejects Himself After Realizing He Missed Entire Inning

Minneapolis, Minnesota – Last Saturday, veteran umpire Bob Harlan, 58, made headlines during a Minnesota Twins minor league affiliate game…
High School Teacher Bans Grokipedia After Student Cites It to Prove Napoleon Was Left-Handed

High School Teacher Bans Grokipedia After Student Cites It to Prove Napoleon Was Left-Handed

Austin, Texas – Last week, history teacher Margaret “Maggie” Thompson, a 52-year-old veteran educator at Westlake High School, banned students…
NASA Astronaut Requests Return to Earth After Forgetting to Download Netflix Shows Before Launch

NASA Astronaut Requests Return to Earth After Forgetting to Download Netflix Shows Before Launch

Houston, Texas – NASA astronaut Captain Elena Vargas, 38, a veteran of two previous space missions, radioed mission control yesterday…
Airline Pilot Grounds Flight After Passengers Refuse to Turn Off Airplane Mode

Airline Pilot Grounds Flight After Passengers Refuse to Turn Off Airplane Mode

Miami, Florida – A Delta Air Lines flight bound for Atlanta was grounded yesterday after Captain Harold “Tech-Hater” Wilkins, a…

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